I'm over '09
2009 was the worst year of my life. I have no doubt about it. As a superlative, worst/ best X of one's life is over-used, especially by Simon Cowell on The X Factor when speaking about a very average audition. I'm not sure anyone who says that something was the worst experience of their life ever really means it. But I do. Here are nine things about 2009 that have been on my radar.
Katie and Peter
What was a thoroughly depressing and hideous partnership has now been transformed into a tiresome, excruciating break-up. Thanks to that, we've had to endure more Katie Price on TV, Peter André singing, the creation of Alex Reid, the takeover of ITV2 by afore-mentioned dunderheads. These are the last words I'll ever write about them. I hope other writers follow my lead.
Fearne Cotton is a multimedia migraine. Her radio show is shit, her adverts are shit, her various TV shows are, invariably, shit. It's not personal, but as a broadcaster she horrifies me. Everything is 'amazing'; her interview technique consists of scratching her head and going 'sooooooo...'; her voice makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end and not in a good way. The pinnacle of her TV career has to be her ITV2 show (fucking ITV2 again!) where she 'met' 'celebrities'. The edition with Peaches Geldof was like watching two insane badgers eat, then regurgitate and then re-eat their own faeces. I use the word sparingly, but Peaches Geldof is undoubtedly one hell of a dumb cunt.
Losing my job
I was made redundant in April. I'd been at ITV for two years and thought it wouldn't be too hard to get another job. I thought wrong. I'm freelancing now, but summer was not a great time, except for the fact that I was as brown as a berry thanks to loafing around all day.
Thanks to the above, I then went nut-nut and was diagnosed with clinical depression. Amazing, as Fearne Cotton would say. I am now on these bonkers drugs that make me not care about anything, which isn't as perfect as it sounds. I am 'OK' now but I do miss my old mind; we used to be so close.
MP expenses furore
The actual scandal didn't annoy me, it was the way it was reported as if it were an EastEnders plotline. I got very bored by it extremely quickly. Along with the bankers' bonus bollocks and people starting to like David Cameron, this really was the news nightmare of the year.
I'm thirty-four now. How the hell did that happen? To 'celebrate', my body decided to give me four coldsores for the big day. I am singlehandedly keeping Compeed (purveyors of coldsore patches) afloat.
I flew on planes FOUR times this year. That is quite an achievement for me. As for carbon footprint concerns, I didn't fly for a decade so I think I'm in credit there. Things I learned from flying: EasyJet sells raffle tickets; Air Malta food is nice; fat people like to sit next to me; passengers seem to save their smelliest shits for being airborne; I hate children.
Long hot summer
It was hot, it was long, it was summer. Before I went mad, I ran every day for miles and miles, sweating and panting like an overweight rapist. It was brilliant.
The Edinburgh Festival was brilliant this year. I drank enough pear cider to sink a battleship and saw some great acts.
2009, it's been emotional, but I am elated to see you finally fuck the hell off.