Lost in London

A look at London and life in general through the eyes of someone who sometimes can't bear to watch.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

The future's so bright, I've got to wear shades

I have never wanted to be famous. I can't understand what the attraction is. Loads of people you don't know loving or hating you, or even worse being aware of you and totally indifferent to you. While I don't want to *be* famous, I quite like *feeling* famous. Now, short of going on Big Brother or murdering someone, I'm not likely to be catapulted into public consciousness, but there is a really easy way to get that 'celeb feeling': wear sunglasses when you don't need to.

Yeah, I know. You run the risk of people mocking you or thinking you love yourself but so what? At least they're noticing you, right? Lots of people think celebrities are up themselves for wearing shades whatever the weather, but there are actually three very good reasons for doing so. First of all, a picture is worth less if you can't see the eyes. Secondly, your eyes can let you down on a photo. If you blink or roll your eyes, you look drunk or stupid or both. Finally, it's practical: with all those flashbulbs going off in your face, your little peepers need all the protection they can.

Another extra little bonus is that it's a scientific fact that everybody looks around 45% hotter in sunglasses. If your eyes are a bit wonky or too small, just bang your shades on and voilĂ ! You're a sex bomb.

Of course it's important to get it right. I don't care how fashionable they are, but wayfarers only work in summer. I also happen to think wayfarers are a load of shit and make the wearer look like an ugly fashion victim but hey, each to their own, right? Bright colours are also out unless you want to look like a fat American fresh off a flight from Florida. Keep it understated and effortlessly cool. Aviators are timeless and a celebrity favourite. They look good on almost everybody (if your face is too thin, avoid them or you'll look like a fly) and work in any weather system. For extra celebrity sparkle, a gold-rimmed pair are just the ticket. People will ask for your autograph.

As for the lenses, mirrored are not a good look. Think of it from the celebrity angle: flashbulbs would reflect in them and make your eyes look like torches. Not great. Your lenses need to be tinted just enough so that you can almost but not quite see the eyes. This allows you to check out the hotties without being discovered.

The only time the shades need to come off are:

- indoors
- at night
- when it's raining

Wearing them in a bar is OK during the day as long as there are big windows letting in light. At night, you just look like a twat. Or Stevie Wonder. Wearing them on the tube is OK. Why not? At least then you don't have to pretend not to make eye contact. Stare as much as you like! Sporting sunnies when it's raining is social death: you don't want to spend the entire day wiping off speckles of drizzle with a tissue like a nerd. Oh and don't wear them in the house. Even Victoria Beckham doesn't do that.

Let them laugh, let them stare. You look fantastic. Like a superstar.

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